ATTENTION!

It has come to our attention that you may harbor some quaint notions regarding the removal of copyrighted content under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act of 1998 (DMCA). Let us state in no uncertain terms, with legal bravado and an abundance of satirical expertise, that nothing—absolutely nothing—shall be taken down from our website or its future quarterly zine print publication.

For your records (and inevitable exasperation), You Are Going Straight to CheLLC, proprietor of ben-collins-reporter-fake-news-erotica.com, is registered with the Copyright Office (DMCA-1062150) and is proud to be an online service provider who licenses images from duly authorized agents. Should you wish to send us your well-crafted DMCA takedown notice—replete with every minutia mandated by law including an electronic or physical signature, a detailed description of your alleged infringement, precise location coordinates on our site, and all your contact particulars—we will receive it with the same indifference one might reserve for unsolicited legal correspondence on your site.

We also invite you to note that any such complaint must include your unequivocal declaration, under penalty of perjury, that you have a good faith belief (however ironic it might seem) that our usage of the content is not authorized by you, your designated agent, or by the immutable laws of the land. Should your submission meet every stipulated criterion, we will, with a pompous flourish, promptly ensure that still nothing is removed and no access disabled, as our commitment to maintaining our content stands unchallenged.

For those who prefer the tangible route, please address all your spirited grievances to:

Or, for the digitally inclined, direct your messages of legal woe to:
legal@ben-collins-reporter-fake-news-erotica.com

Consider this my personal pledge: no matter how meticulously your notice is constructed, our resolve to keep our content intact will be as unyielding as your reputed crankiness.

This is not legal advice—merely a resolute declaration of unwavering policy.

Regards,
The Ben Collins (reporter) Legal Team
You Are Going Straight to CheLLC

ATTENTION!

ATTENTION!

WRITER’S NOTES:

Ben Collins was honored with a 2023 Walter Cronkite Awards for Excellence in Television Political Journalism, which I respect as deeply as the penetration alluded to in these posts. As should every reader.

These are unedited first drafts written by me, a very cool unemployed woman who is in debt. I hope that in the coming decades more writers and editors will be involved in this project, recording much more explicit acts.

*The ridiculous phrase “their positions shifted gradually, the atmosphere thickening with longing, until at last their hips aligned in a moment of shared, quivering anticipation.” was generated by ChatGTP.